Recovery...Inside Out!

Nichole writes this from Coffee Creek Correctional Facility on September 27th.
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"I am responsible for the day I create for myself." The choice is up to you. It can either be "Good Morning, God!" or "Good God Morning!"

That's an inspiration card I found behind my bed while cleaning. It belonged to a girl named Nicole who has paroled. I put it up on my board. I get up every morning and read it. To me it kind of goes with the AA and NA recovery saying..."Just for today!"

Today I am responsible for making positive and healthy decisions. Just for today its my responsibility to create a positive day. Every day is a new commitment to my future. My future that I want. The future I desire.

Doing my 12 steps is doing so much more for me than I thought was possible. Not only is it giving me healing that is way overdue, it is also rewarding to have positive attention because of my right actions...my actions focused on doing something good. Sure, I have gotten a lot of attention when I've done bad things, but it doesn't feel like this!

The feelings: love, smiles, laughs, confident, warm. People are proud of me and excited for me to continue this work. Patience, understanding, loving, support...gifts from my process.

Thank you to everyone with me on this journey, in this healing process. Remember that we can only keep what we have by giving our knowledge to others!

Love,
Nichole

NOTE: Nichole has completed her 4th step and is in the process of her 5th step!
http://www.12step.org

Lord, Make Me An Instrument

Coffee Creek Correctional Facility

I have been keenly aware this week that bringing love to the dark and constricted places, clears the way for Spirit to use me as a divine vessel...an instrument of love. This journey into love is an act of sacred service...the more available and present I become (the hallow bone)...the more Love can move through me, as me. I am grateful tonight for the experience of Rumi's words..."when you open your loving to God's love, you are helping people you don't even know and have never seen." Amen to that.

Tonight I sat at Coffee Creek Correctional Facility with Nichole. I sat for 30 minutes in the cafeteria with the other visitors before she came in. She had been "walking the yard" and the officers didn't inform her of her visit. As I waited, I watched the children, ranging from age 1 to 15, run to their mothers as they walked through the door into the visiting room. One little red headed girl about 2 years old ran through the tables and chairs laughing, squealing..."Mommy, mommy, mommy!" The older children seemed to be more hesitant...trying to hold in their excitement which is now swirling with their pain...with their sense of betrayal. I can see it in their eyes...big love mixed with big pain. My heart opened and tears welled in my eyes...the agony of love, of addiction, of betrayal, of prison.

Nichole finally arrives. We embrace and share the details of our day. I ask her about Isiah, her son who will be 7 years old in September. She hasn't seen him for 4 years. His paternal grandparents have legal guardianship. Her eyes well up with tears as she begins to connect with her grief. I draw a little dot on a piece of paper..."Nichole, this is all the faith it takes for the mountain to move and it will move, can you have this much faith that there is a way to reconnect with Isiah?" She nods her head. And right there in the middle of a noisy, crowded room...we prayed and set the intention that she and Isiah will see one another this year.

"Nichole, I think you should work the twelve steps around your relationship with Isiah." She nods again. Our foreheads wrinkle as we both try and remember the first three steps...1) Admit I am powerless over XXX situation 2) Believe a power greater knows the way to sanity 3) surrender the situation. We walk through the first three steps together. I ask her to begin the 4th step...a fearless moral inventory around her part of creating the situation. More tears. She tries to keep her eyeliner and mascara from smearing. We laugh a little. Eyes locked on one another. I tell her I am committed to staying awake with her, to do everything that I am guided to do to help her. I know this was part of the reason for her relapse. It was Christmas. She was alone. Without her family, without her son. I can only imagine the heartbreak she numbed with Meth. (By the way, I am not excusing the choice, the behavior...just feeling in with compassion tonight).

I pray for Divine guidance and support. I feel powerless, I know that the Divine can guide us to right action...I surrender my fears and ask for God to guide me in how to best support this young woman and her son.

A woman stops by our table with her son. I recognize them. They were at the table beside us last weekend. Her 9-year old son vomited everywhere. Most people moved, with disdain and disgust on their faces. We stayed. I looked over, looked at her with compassion and love. It's okay, I thought to myself, this is life...sometimes we get messy...sometimes we vomit everywhere...sometimes we can hold it in...hold it together any longer. Tonight she stops and says, "thanks Anakha for last week, you really made it better for me." I am surprised...she must have felt the compassion, the love, the silent support.

That is the power of the Crucible (www.wearethelovers.com ). Yes, I want to be healed into wholeness and yes, I want to be fully available to be an instrument of Love...to embody and express and experience this radical Love and Loving. I want my presence to be alchemical, transformational...to be the medicine and the elixir of Love. That is why I am here...that is what I devote and donate my life and my living to. Everything else has dissolved, faded. Love my primary purpose now.

We end our time together writing about our heart's desires and our wants. I make a list. I notice how I hold some desires and wants as more "lofty" than others...more spiritual. I smile and remember that they are all expressions of love...

One of my wants is to have the Crucible be a place where the seeds of our dreams are planted...individual and collective. I want us to come together and donate this experience and the love we generate in service to others. I want to listen for how we are called to serve together as a community...what will we create together? I want us to remember that this journey into love is serving others, healing the planet. Right here, right now.

Love in action. That is my intention. How can I serve? Show me, guide me, inspire me God!
I am available. Humbled, hollowed...available.
Amen. Love, Anakha

P.S. This is Nichole's writing regarding her heart's desire...
My desire in this life...is to fully love myself through all the things I've done...the wrong doing, the right doing. I desire happiness, to follow my dreams. I desire to turn from my old ways. My decision: to not live as an active drug addict...to be in recovery. This will allow me to desire better things. I desire a life with Isiah, to love him, to help him, to laugh and cry with him. My choice is allowing me to desire this connection, and for it to come true. I am desiring all things possible for me, with the guidance from those around me and especially from God within me. Amen.

Using My Voice

Can I just say that its still hard asking for anything. It's crazy. I find that when I'm asking people who I really care about. People of importance, I find myself having a struggle inside my mind and body. Because my inner child (childhood memories) is scared of innocent rejection...meaning the word no. As a child a simple question such as, "can I have a drink of water?" got a harsh voice of "NO." In a yelling manner. I don't think my mom realized how much the yelling hurt me. I've had a constant struggle with the proper use of my voice and words. How for a long time I voiced my emotions through yelling and mean words. In other times I've fallen silent and let things be done or happen at the expense of my personal well being. Mentally, emotionally, definitely my sexuality, stability.

For the first time right now in this moment at 12:07 a.m. on Monday, July 7th 2008 I am having a real sense of how damaging not using my voice has been. Not speaking up has allowed unwanted things to happen. Wanted to things to go without the satisfaction of being known. And my needs to be neglected for so long, that I've allowed myself to live under false illusions. That I'm all alone, that I'm undeserving.

I am worth more...
I do need...
I do love...
I do want...
I do give...
I do have a voice
I am allowed to use my voice...
I need to use my voice...
I can use it...
I will use my voice...
I am using my voice now...

I am standing up to my fear of rejection. I am learning the word "no" isn't a personal negative attack. It is simply an answer. Just like yes.

Thank you for your love and compassion and understanding Anakha. For listening, for being connected to me. For validating me and what I feel. For loving me in the unconditional way. I am lucky to have you in my life. Write soon please. Love always, Nichole

P.S. Smile, it makes your butt tingle!

Elimination

Looking at the people I choose to be around is a constant process of elimination it seems.

So many are fighting to change from the ways that led them here. Fighting to change for family, friends, their victims, for everyone but not for themselves.

Someone I was hanging out with who seemed to be on the same path as me has totally gone the other way. I see her work the system, manipulate her very self. Making excuses, lying, gossiping, running from positive things we have here, such as church and yoga.

I see the very person I was with last time I was here. The very person I'm not. I'm happy I see things so much clearer. My eyes are open, my heart is open. I don't encourage her deceitful ways. I don't listen to her try, and convince me of what she's trying to sell with empty words with no follow through actions.I speak the truth to myself. And, well, sometimes I tell her about herself, out of love and understanding.

It's not always comfortable to let the process of elimination run its course. Sometimes I think I'm strong enough to stand against them who are not serving themselves first. Then I look around at the physical prison I'm in. A great reminder to stand up for myself and my needs.

Free Write

The following writings were created during a recent visit with Nichole, where we (Gene, David, Anakha, and Nichole) sat down to free write after a lively game of Pictionary and feast of yogurt-covered pretzels, peanuts, and other vending-machine delights . . .

We each started with the line "In my wildest dreams . . ."

Nichole:
In my wildest dreams, I live a life of freedom away from the prison walls I've spent time in. I live in awareness. I make only positive and helping choices. I work on my recovery and I have a home and my son. I am happy and comfortable in my life.

My wildest dreams are a reality in the making, a day-by-day process. My wildest dreams are mine alone. They are attainable, exciting, filled with my heart's desire. With a purpose that serves me and the ones around me. My wildest dreams help me escape from the physical prison I am in. My dreams keep me grounded and fill my soul with the serenity I need.

David:
In my wildest dreams, I am madly in love devoted passion ecstatic ride across the universe, cosmos exploding, creating worlds within worlds, new universes expanding to grow this new consciousness, new awareness, new love. Colors, textures, shapes transform to birth the essence of divine bliss running through my veins, coursing through, pure electric bliss bursting out of my fingers into exploding light, orgasmic juice in the mix of creative inspiration like never before seen love as it melts on god's tongue and swallowing down into the heart of the newborn generation, kicking and screaming with this awakening, this knowing, that all is one and always was, no separation, only the pure union of the two halves becoming whole, uniting, resting into the source that pooled us on the shimmering lake beneath the full moon where we bathed naked in eden's arms, diving deep to the center of the earth, to where it all began, where we came from, where we will return, and where we always were, now, in each moment.

Anakha:
In my wildest dreams, I would never have imagined that I would find you, that you would be here now with me, home here with me, in my heart, in my arms . . .

In my wildest dreams, I never imagined being this happy, this delighted, this comfortable at home in your arms . . .

In my wildest dreams, I never imagined this joy, this beauty, this ecstasy of loving freely, openly, authentically . . . I never knew I would find you . . . I had almost given up . . .

In my wildest dreams there is a flow and an ease and a beauty in my life, where everything unfolds and comes into being with grace and ease . . .

In my wildest dreams, I am happy, relaxed, at home in myself . . . making love each moment, self to self, self to life, self to God.

In my wildest dreams I am at home in myself, at peace with my life, in love with the one who lives inside of this body . . .

In my wildest dreams, I live in the home of myself . . . loving from essence.

I am living my wildest dreams, loving myself, at home in essence.

Gene:
In my wildest dreams, I live until the world I grew up in has faded away. There are no more wars . . . or starvation, or abuse of children . . . or adults. We choose on an unprecedented scale to live as love . . . to care for each other . . . to hold the vision for us each to blossom . . . for us each to be free, to be fulfilled and nurtured, to be held in the embrace of a friend, of a community, to be fed a fuel that does not ________ .

This is the time for us to create the expression, the realization of our wildest dreams . . . personally and collectively . . . to treat them seriously and honor them in our living, in our loving. We are each something's dream. We are an expression of the divine ourselves.

Let us bring forth the next wave of divine expression.

I'm Human...

3.18.2008

Appreciation for "Nichole" is hard sometimes. As I am sitting here in my cell at Coffee Creek. I am in prison. Not my first time but my second. Sometimes I am mad, angry, sad, crying to go home. This place isn't scary for me. In fact a lot of people like having me around. I am funny, I act silly, I am positive, wise...I am young but I know I don't know it all, I am respectful, loyal, very honest, smart. I am a really good person. I make mistakes. Sometime I really mess up. But I am human. I own my mistakes wholly and to the fullest. Remembering that I am not a horrible person because I am here. I just need to use this physical prison to break free from the prison of addiction and crime. To break down the barriers I've placed myself within. I am capable of so much more than I can imagine. I will succeed in life. I will get my education, own my salon. I will work my recovery. I will be a great daughter, mother, sister, friend, wife. I am growing inside to its fullest. I am ready to embrace love to its fullest.

Thank you to everyone in my life...Anakha, Timmy, Gene, David, Crystal, Jimmy, Pam, Bill and Keanau and to those I don't know...but I can feel the love and support. Thank you. I love you.

Nichole

Pause...3-5 Minutes is All it Takes!

For most people in this world...we worry about a million things a day. Places to go, people to see, things to do. Life is a constant exercise. But stop. Stop thinking for let's say 3-5 minutes about where you are going and when you will leave. Stop and breathe. Be in the present. For me. I got all the time in the world right now. In fact, I have nothing but time. And still I find it's hard to take a break for 3-5 minutes to get centered. But really, 3-5 minutes isn't that long...and it's long enough to get you regrounded.

Just a nugget of wisdom for the day ;-).

Love, Nichole