Searching for my place...?

I'm at a loss of which way to go and am finding that it's very uncomfortable. So here are things i've done since coming out of prison.

1. Stayed clean
2. Got off transleave
3. Found a now full time job (went through a couple to get here)
4. Pay my own rent
5. Stay clean
6. Stay away from criminal activity
7. Let people go that don't need to be in my life(not always comfortable but feels good after)
8. Attend meetings
9. Built relationships with family again and stronger with bounderies
10. Made new friends
11. Got into clean slate for my license
12. Utilized resources

Things that I still need to put more effort into:

1. My son and how to go about it right
2. School (deciding where to go and following up)
3. Checking in with Anakha, David, and Gene
4. Attend meetings more regulary
5. Stay connected to myself
6. Check in with self
7. Take better care of myself (food, exercise, yogo, meditation, spiritual)
8. Listen to others point of view
9. Buget money
10. Quit smoking
11. Read more
12. Figure out what set's of my depression and why I push people I care about away!!!

So I'm saying that I am trying to be open to some feedback. If anyone has any ideas. I can be stubborn at first but will think about it and think and think...so I just know some changes need to happen and that although im clean and crime free and I have a place to live and a job to support my self in. I feel something missing and even know what some of it is. Just having trouble figuring out why I can't seem to get the motivation to fix it.

freedom

I'm home! I am enjoying life and everyone that is in my life. I am thankful for all the love and support and love and patience everyone has been showing me. And for providing for me in all areas of my life while in and now out.

Coming Home to Myself

My time is changing again, friends are leaving. I find that I'm satisfied with myself for once. I don't need a buddy to do my time with 24X7. I can focus on myself and my recovery. I am not saying that I won't still reach out in my NA groups to recruit/attract new people. I am just saying that for once, I feel comfortable with me. With Nichole. Just as I am.

I find that since starting my 12 steps I find that I don't have as much to hide. I'm less ashamed. I am happier and confidant in positive ways. I am finding the courage to be the woman I'm destined to be.

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey. In person or in the background -- thank you. Love, Nichole

****
I was tired after work today, yet filled with an abundance of energy surging through my body and soul. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, so I asked my friend to go out and run. She said yes, so we went and changed and then met outside a few minutes later.

We started running and my lungs ached but my muscles screamed of enjoyment. Been too long. Not enough. Lap after lap I felt a wave of calmness come over my nervous system. I was filled with a pure, natural adrenaline only clean and sober living brings.

I am thankful today for another day clean and sober, to enjoy life on a real level -- not a false sense of reality.

Just for today.... :-)

Love One Another...

Last night at visiting, Anakha and David came. They had given these ladies their umbrella outside (it was raining and there are no covered structures for visitors waiting to enter the prison). There were 4 ladies trying to huddle under a jacket.

At the visit Anakha said it was their first visit and she said we should get them some hot drinks since they didn't bring any quarters. So we got them a special carmel drink and hot cocoa. We tried to make it a surpirse, but the girl found me on yard today. Crying, she told me thank you so much to me and my family for being so great and thoughtful. I just told her you're welcome and gald we could help out to make her first visit more comfortable ;-).

It felt so good. I cried after she walked away. It made me feel so filled with peace, love and joy and so rewarding. Not to want or expect anything in return.

So thank you for allowing me to be part of feeling and experiencing and creating that.

Pay it forward...

Control ~ 10/4/08

How do you control an existence that is impossible to know the future? Words spoken in conversations can change lives, heal wounds, give forgiveness, give encouragement, love, patience and understanding.

Thoughts of positive things lead to positive actions. Actions sometimes, in fact most times, speak louder than words. Actions of comfort and affection. Love others in a way words don't. In a way the human soul most needs.

Think decisions all the way through, even a small pros and cons mental list is a great thing to do before acting.

Even though you can't control everything in life, you can have a say so in the outcome. You can take steps in building structure to your thoughts, words, and actions. So when life throws those unexpected curve balls at you, just maybe you can keep things "under control."

***
My friend's son ran away. He is 15 years old. She is so sad and scared for him. Every things is out of her control. She can't go to all of his friend's houses, call parents, look at the mall or anything a parent would be doing. She can't, because she is locked up.

Could you please pray for his safety? His name is Andrew and his mom's name is Shana. He also got in some trouble. Pray for them both please!

Always, Nichole

WOW! My 5th Step!

09.29.08

I'm thinking now would be a good time to walk the awareness wheel ;-)!

Deep breath, close my eyes, letting my surroundings fade out of my focus.

I'm sensing my heart is racing a little, I'm cold and kind of shaky, tears in my eyes, my stomach is a little nauseated. I am feeling sad, happy, proud, encouraged, lighter. I am feeling a sense of freedom that I haven't felt in a long time, if ever.

I am thinking that was scary (doing my 5th step...admitting to myself, God and another the exact nature of my wrongs). I know I needed to do all of this work. I think its crazy how I though I could just turn my addiction off.

I am wanting to keep working these steps. I want to be a strong support and success story to share with people who think its impossible. I want to completely be free from the corrections system.

My actions are to keep doing my steps. Keep doing my 12 step meetings with my friends. I am going to use positive talk about myself. I am giving my self permission to love and forgive myself for my wrong doings so I can fully heal , so that I can grow into so much more.

I can never go back to the young woman I was before my drug addiction. Today I can be so much more. I am not my past. I am my future. My future is what I want. what I want is serenity, love, peace and happiness!

Recovery...Inside Out!

Nichole writes this from Coffee Creek Correctional Facility on September 27th.
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"I am responsible for the day I create for myself." The choice is up to you. It can either be "Good Morning, God!" or "Good God Morning!"

That's an inspiration card I found behind my bed while cleaning. It belonged to a girl named Nicole who has paroled. I put it up on my board. I get up every morning and read it. To me it kind of goes with the AA and NA recovery saying..."Just for today!"

Today I am responsible for making positive and healthy decisions. Just for today its my responsibility to create a positive day. Every day is a new commitment to my future. My future that I want. The future I desire.

Doing my 12 steps is doing so much more for me than I thought was possible. Not only is it giving me healing that is way overdue, it is also rewarding to have positive attention because of my right actions...my actions focused on doing something good. Sure, I have gotten a lot of attention when I've done bad things, but it doesn't feel like this!

The feelings: love, smiles, laughs, confident, warm. People are proud of me and excited for me to continue this work. Patience, understanding, loving, support...gifts from my process.

Thank you to everyone with me on this journey, in this healing process. Remember that we can only keep what we have by giving our knowledge to others!

Love,
Nichole

NOTE: Nichole has completed her 4th step and is in the process of her 5th step!
http://www.12step.org