Letter to Nichole...

In response to her question, "Anakha, what did you do during your 40 days of silence and solituded...I can barely do 8 minutes...why did you go, what did you do, what happened for you?"

******

Good Morning Nichole…At least it’s morning here…late morning 11:40. I am sitting at the back table with the morning sun shining through the window on my face. It is supposed to be 60 degrees today…it is sunny, blue sky. Of course you are out enjoying this weather as well…thank God! Breath in all of the love that is available through nature…it will help nourish and encourage you…let the sun love you, the air love you, the breeze love you…really feel it coming into your cells giving you courage to face what you need to face, feel what you need to feel, do what you need to do. This Universe adores you and is here to offer you its glorious love…become present to the love inherent in all things. You will become love as you walk this path into love. This is what Jesus is asking us to do in following him into the sacred heart. To awaken the love in our hearts…to remember that we are made in his image and his likeness…we are not who we’ve thought…we have thought we were alone, separate, bad, wrong, mistakes, filled with shame and fear…these are all lies of the mind…we find our beauty in our hearts. Open your heart Nichole…let the pain, the grief, the disappointment spill out…you will withstand it, and you can go through it and find yourself stationed on solid ground. This is what drew me into the silence…the 40 days of intimate communion with God and my true Self. I found myself standing one year ago…March 2007 on the veranda of a beautiful condo in Maui, Hawaii…smoking an American Spirit cigarette looking out at the beauty all around me…and I couldn’t feel…I couldn’t experience and take in the beauty. I felt dead inside. I was aware that something essential…some life force within me had died…or was on life support…barely breathing. My heart had closed….retreated…gone into hiding. I was running on empty…the power of Love was unable to penetrate the walls of hiding and protection I had built up around my heart and my life. I am not even sure how it all happened…one small betrayal of myself, betrayal of others, losing people I loved…my father’s death…working at Coffee Creek…addiction….the truth was my heart had become shielded, guarded, closed and I was dying. It was painful that morning to realize how disconnected from Life and my own radiance I had become. I was in Maui with Gary and the kids…Gary was equally shut down…closed off…how painful to be there with someone I had once loved so much and to see us both cardboard cutouts…playing at the game of life. The kids registered this I am sure. The one beautiful moment I had was when I took the kids out snorkeling…teaching them to snorkel and see the colorful fish in the coral reef. They were mesmerized as was I. I love being underneath the ocean’s surface…this is how I live my life…underneath the surface actions…I live with the fish, like a mermaid…a mystic underneath the sea. I sensed a spark, a thread of my aliveness as I dove down under the sea into the realm of magic…seeing the many colored fish flowing through the warm Hawaiian waters. Flowing in beauty…flowing with the beauty of life…this is what I desired. I was disconnected from the flow and the beauty of Life, of my life, of my own essence. I had purchased a red journal with the sacred heart on it prior to my trip to Hawaii. I hadn’t written one word in it. I pulled it out on the flight home and wrote these words:

March 19, 2007
I am ready God! Bring me the fire of the Holy Spirit – engage my soul, ripen the fruit, use me to serve the sacred awakening. I am coming alive with the heat of the Holy Spirit, opening the mysteries of the Sacred Heart. Love melting into love…mystical marriage…sacred union.

I think that was the beginning of my journey into fully opening my heart…becoming an embodiment, a Divine expression of Love. I wrote this poem a few days later…March 31^st:

Come Holy Spirit
Burning Spirit
Abide in me Now
Abide in me Always
I long to feel your heat in my blood
In my bones
Infuse me with your grace
Know me as your own
I am a spark in your
Rapturous fire
Enkindle my heart
My humanness with your love
Your passion
The Christ Mind
The Christ Heart
The Christ Eyes
Are mine now
And Forever
Maranatha
Maranatha
Amen!

Nichole, this was the beginning of the deepest and truest journey into my own heart that I have taken. It sparked the beginning of a transformation from Fear to Love…it lead me into the 40 days and 40 nights of solitude and silence…a deep discovery of my own beauty, radiance and goodness. Before then I may have appeared free…but I was locked away in a prison as well. No freedom. Sure, I could go places and do things…but that, as you know, is not the essence of freedom…what we are all longing for is an experience of Soul Liberation…aliveness, radiance, presence and love. This is what led me to take time apart, to listen, heal and open. This is what you are being offered now too. To slow your pace…to slow your rhythm…to listen and let be…to slow way down and begin moving at the pace of guidance…the pace of nature…this is the place where you can practice “ahimsa” the Aramaic word for nonviolence…nonviolence, deep love and compassion for yourself and for others. This was the word that Yeshua (Jesus) gave me the first day of my retreat…Yeshua said to me…”if you want to open your heart, to become love…you must slow your pace, move at the pace of nature, move eat the pace of the heart…and practice ahimsa…radical love and self-acceptance. Every time your mind wants to attack yourself or others, repeat and chant ahimsa and return to the truth that you are a Beloved Child of God and that all is well in Life…all is well in this moment.”

I will tell you my story Nichole…through these letters and this will become my book. Thank you for asking me what I did during those 40 days…why I took this time apart…and what occurred…in answering your question I will relive, remember and offer my experience as a gift to the world.

See Beloved Dear One…how you are ministering to me? How with your question you are helping me to remember my purpose and why it is important that I write about my journey into love, that I share the teachings and mysteries that were given to me in that time. So often I think that what I have received and conceived of is unimportant….please help me Nichole to remember that what I am and who I am are valuable…just like I help you to remember that what you are and who you are valuable. We are essential in so many ways…each of us a thread in this beautiful Divine tapestry of love and creativity.

Happy Birthday…I celebrate the day of your birth…the birth of this young mystical woman that has taken a crash course in awakening to the realms of embodied love…you are making the journey into wholeness and reclaiming the truth of your birthright…that you are a child of the living God…whole, complete, worthy and beautiful. You are here on purpose…you belong…you are wanted. You belong with me…you belong in my heart…you will always have a home there.

Happy Birthday Nichole…you are so very much loved, adored and cherished by so many…but today especially, you are loved by me!

XXOXOXOXOXOXOXO,

Anakha

Letter to Anakha

Anakha,Last night I received a big envelope from Gene. It had his blog along with yours and the comments from Gene, David and Delayne. I sat down on my bunk, took a deep breath and before the words were even read, a tear fell from my eye. I didn't wipe it though, I just let it be a part of me in the moment. I sat there a moment later with my eyes closed taking another deep breath. I exhaled and opened my eyes. I read Gene's first. The re-cap of my "judgment day," sentencing day. Was hard to read, but good also. I need to know my part in this world. What memories I am leaving, what my presence in other's lives is effecting, building, giving, taking receiving.When I got to yours I stopped and breathed in and out. As I started reading I could hear your voice, see your face...wishing I could. I felt so many different emotions from your words. Love, forgiveness, hope, dreams and awakenings jumped out at me. I was being told in a sense..."wake up Nichole, I am right here, I am not going anywhere, don't run from me, I will always love you."Anakha thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me. I know I am not alone in this. I still wish I was physically there. Rewinding back a few months would be great. Sometimes it feels like a movie. Have you ever seen the movie "Click" it has Adam Sandler in it. It's really funny. You should rent it. In the movie he can stop, pause, rewind, fast forward. Some features could be good right now...LOL.I am going to write about what I need, want in regards to our contract...but I don't know how you want it so will start with this:I need to be called on my bullshit.StructureHugsHumorA shoulder to cry onEncouragedSometimes a good shove when I am shying away from a good timeYoga and runningI need to get a degreeHelp with the following through with IsaiahTo know how you think, feel, about potentially bad decisions or situations you feel me slipping intoLots of adviceI probably have more...so I hope we can start with that. See how it comes together.I am sending you the canteen order sheets so you know what that looks like. There are two of them. I wish you could see the shoes. They are really cute...pink, black and white Reeboks. How great is that. You know me and my pink! I am missing that and chai tea from Starbucks. I can't have a chai tea until I get to minimum. One year. Wow. Guess what you don't get paid for 4 months over here on medium. That is crazy to me. Do you think I should take vitamins. They are on canteen. Crystal knows about them and what is good. What do you think about me learning a second language, like Spanish. Been thinking about that too. I am really excited about doing something to earn a degree in here. I keep having vivid dreams about all this stuff. Well I am going to work on my blog. It is amazing to know my story has a voice. Love always, Nichole

Change . . . Turn it Up!

Change - something I've never handled very well. Good or bad. Right or wrong. Always just wanted to leave things where they are. I like to stay put. Mentally, physically, emotionally. For the most part. Being familiar is all good to me. Up until . . . NOW!

Being lost in my addiction, I'm known to run around looking for a family to call my own. Acceptance, love, understanding, openness. My birth mom's been in addiction her whole life -- minus about 9 1/2 years. Well . . . this time when I relapsed it was after finding my mom's stuff. I wasn't strong enough to walk away from the pain from finding it. Knowing the meth would numb me from feeling (also knowing it's temporary). It only took once to feel the pain, guilt, shame, lonely, sadness, scared to take a stand for Nichole. Ask for what I needed.

Through a series of bad decisions in just a matter of weeks, my mom and I were using meth together. We've had a struggling relationship my whole life. For once we had a connection where we could talk, laugh. Any connection seemed like a good one. So like I said, I'm known to run around looking for my own family. This time I ran with mine. Harder and faster I ran from all the good I had in my life. Seconds from running from the people using with me that had seen and or met me before I relapsed. That were telling me, begging me to stop and go home. Lost, scared, worried, the pain of knowing I've lied, betrayed, ran from "the good life," that I gave up on myself again. I found myself running to prison AGAIN!

I got a card from Anakha last week. Inside she wrote " . . . You matter and what you choose moment to moment matters and impacts all of us . .. Crystal, David, Gene, Tim, Isaiah, your sister . . ." Believing and knowing I matter is only part of what I'm working on. I'm truly amazed at the impact my decisions have made on everyone. Even those I don't know. On a daily basis, I have to remind myself not to dwell on what I could have done different. But to stay Present in the Present Moment. Sometimes, I don't want to. Looking around, seeing all our clothes with a bright orange "inmate" stamp on our clothes, watching the girls go straight to miminum with their 13-month sentences. I have to remember I'm healing, changing, and breathing. Just stopping.

Now's the time to choose Nichole, to choose a new life, to choose change, to be demanding of your needs being met. My boyfriend Tim told me in a letter while I was awaiting to get sentenced, "spark up some of that fire I got in me."

We all have a fire in us. When are we going to turn it up?

Naked Awareness

15 Days! That's all the time I've been here at Coffee Creek. Everything seems to follow numbers some how. How many months you have in? How many months you have left? Not to mention counting weeks, days, hours, minutes. We are all assigned a number. Mine is 8 digits long. Just a little observation as my celly and I are waiting to be counted. ;-) Again with numbers.

Last night I got some mail from Gene that had blogs from Anakha and him. Comments from Anakha's blog also. Their blogs spoke about my sentencing day and so much more.

The WICS program I got to be a part of last year...Anakha as the facilitator...taught us "the awareness wheel." At the time I didin't want to do it, but for some reason it was in my dreams last night. So I thought I'd give it a shot this morning.

I am SENSING...slight headache, tired eyes, hot, hungry. I am FEELING...tired, calm, sad, happy, loved, a little anger, pain in my heart. Scared of things unknown, excited. I am THINKING...about change in my life, recovery, about courage, about strength, , about my mom, if she's okay and alive, about my sister (her pains mentally and physical pain she inflicts), thinking I wonder if she's mad I am here, same about my little brother, I am loved, I can change, I can be the woman I want to be. I WANT...strength, courage, advice, love, freedom from here, my sobriety, recovery, love, to love my self fully. My ACTIONS...to ask questions, to listen, to accept all the good things offered to me from those who love me, to breath, to stand, to pray to the Divine and give love and understanding. Thank you Anakha for all you are teaching me and continue to teach. Love always, Nichole

First Day on the Second Trip

January 24, 2008

The air is stagnant due to the recycled air. Last night I laid on a thin mattress on the floor. No sheets, no pillow. Just two thin blankets on a cold plastic mattress laid on the cold concrete floor. There were two other women in this holding tank, so I wasn't physically alone...but it sure did feel empty.

The bus ride didn't take long enough. The roads of familiar grounds fell into the distance behind me way too fast. I kept trying to capture my SE Portland I love oh so much. We were driving past the Mall 205 exit when I think it really hit. I caught a quick sight of Taco Bell and had to think about how I had been trying to get there all day on the last day I was out (free).

Although this is my second trip to Coffee Creek it is still unfamiliar to me and I am grateful for it. It doesn't excite me or bring smile to my face at a simple thought or memory. Driving past those exits made my heart ache.

A lot of great people (Anakha, Gene and David) have all been telling me how its up to me to change and to work on me. Thank you all for standing by me in this next chapter of my life. Thank you for supporting me.

Love,
Nichole