Using My Voice

Can I just say that its still hard asking for anything. It's crazy. I find that when I'm asking people who I really care about. People of importance, I find myself having a struggle inside my mind and body. Because my inner child (childhood memories) is scared of innocent rejection...meaning the word no. As a child a simple question such as, "can I have a drink of water?" got a harsh voice of "NO." In a yelling manner. I don't think my mom realized how much the yelling hurt me. I've had a constant struggle with the proper use of my voice and words. How for a long time I voiced my emotions through yelling and mean words. In other times I've fallen silent and let things be done or happen at the expense of my personal well being. Mentally, emotionally, definitely my sexuality, stability.

For the first time right now in this moment at 12:07 a.m. on Monday, July 7th 2008 I am having a real sense of how damaging not using my voice has been. Not speaking up has allowed unwanted things to happen. Wanted to things to go without the satisfaction of being known. And my needs to be neglected for so long, that I've allowed myself to live under false illusions. That I'm all alone, that I'm undeserving.

I am worth more...
I do need...
I do love...
I do want...
I do give...
I do have a voice
I am allowed to use my voice...
I need to use my voice...
I can use it...
I will use my voice...
I am using my voice now...

I am standing up to my fear of rejection. I am learning the word "no" isn't a personal negative attack. It is simply an answer. Just like yes.

Thank you for your love and compassion and understanding Anakha. For listening, for being connected to me. For validating me and what I feel. For loving me in the unconditional way. I am lucky to have you in my life. Write soon please. Love always, Nichole

P.S. Smile, it makes your butt tingle!