My time is changing again, friends are leaving. I find that I'm satisfied with myself for once. I don't need a buddy to do my time with 24X7. I can focus on myself and my recovery. I am not saying that I won't still reach out in my NA groups to recruit/attract new people. I am just saying that for once, I feel comfortable with me. With Nichole. Just as I am.
I find that since starting my 12 steps I find that I don't have as much to hide. I'm less ashamed. I am happier and confidant in positive ways. I am finding the courage to be the woman I'm destined to be.
Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey. In person or in the background -- thank you. Love, Nichole
****
I was tired after work today, yet filled with an abundance of energy surging through my body and soul. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, so I asked my friend to go out and run. She said yes, so we went and changed and then met outside a few minutes later.
We started running and my lungs ached but my muscles screamed of enjoyment. Been too long. Not enough. Lap after lap I felt a wave of calmness come over my nervous system. I was filled with a pure, natural adrenaline only clean and sober living brings.
I am thankful today for another day clean and sober, to enjoy life on a real level -- not a false sense of reality.
Just for today.... :-)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Coming Home to Myself
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Love One Another...
Last night at visiting, Anakha and David came. They had given these ladies their umbrella outside (it was raining and there are no covered structures for visitors waiting to enter the prison). There were 4 ladies trying to huddle under a jacket.
At the visit Anakha said it was their first visit and she said we should get them some hot drinks since they didn't bring any quarters. So we got them a special carmel drink and hot cocoa. We tried to make it a surpirse, but the girl found me on yard today. Crying, she told me thank you so much to me and my family for being so great and thoughtful. I just told her you're welcome and gald we could help out to make her first visit more comfortable ;-).
It felt so good. I cried after she walked away. It made me feel so filled with peace, love and joy and so rewarding. Not to want or expect anything in return.
So thank you for allowing me to be part of feeling and experiencing and creating that.
Pay it forward...
At the visit Anakha said it was their first visit and she said we should get them some hot drinks since they didn't bring any quarters. So we got them a special carmel drink and hot cocoa. We tried to make it a surpirse, but the girl found me on yard today. Crying, she told me thank you so much to me and my family for being so great and thoughtful. I just told her you're welcome and gald we could help out to make her first visit more comfortable ;-).
It felt so good. I cried after she walked away. It made me feel so filled with peace, love and joy and so rewarding. Not to want or expect anything in return.
So thank you for allowing me to be part of feeling and experiencing and creating that.
Pay it forward...
Control ~ 10/4/08
How do you control an existence that is impossible to know the future? Words spoken in conversations can change lives, heal wounds, give forgiveness, give encouragement, love, patience and understanding.
Thoughts of positive things lead to positive actions. Actions sometimes, in fact most times, speak louder than words. Actions of comfort and affection. Love others in a way words don't. In a way the human soul most needs.
Think decisions all the way through, even a small pros and cons mental list is a great thing to do before acting.
Even though you can't control everything in life, you can have a say so in the outcome. You can take steps in building structure to your thoughts, words, and actions. So when life throws those unexpected curve balls at you, just maybe you can keep things "under control."
***
My friend's son ran away. He is 15 years old. She is so sad and scared for him. Every things is out of her control. She can't go to all of his friend's houses, call parents, look at the mall or anything a parent would be doing. She can't, because she is locked up.
Could you please pray for his safety? His name is Andrew and his mom's name is Shana. He also got in some trouble. Pray for them both please!
Always, Nichole
Thoughts of positive things lead to positive actions. Actions sometimes, in fact most times, speak louder than words. Actions of comfort and affection. Love others in a way words don't. In a way the human soul most needs.
Think decisions all the way through, even a small pros and cons mental list is a great thing to do before acting.
Even though you can't control everything in life, you can have a say so in the outcome. You can take steps in building structure to your thoughts, words, and actions. So when life throws those unexpected curve balls at you, just maybe you can keep things "under control."
***
My friend's son ran away. He is 15 years old. She is so sad and scared for him. Every things is out of her control. She can't go to all of his friend's houses, call parents, look at the mall or anything a parent would be doing. She can't, because she is locked up.
Could you please pray for his safety? His name is Andrew and his mom's name is Shana. He also got in some trouble. Pray for them both please!
Always, Nichole
Thursday, October 2, 2008
WOW! My 5th Step!
09.29.08
I'm thinking now would be a good time to walk the awareness wheel ;-)!
Deep breath, close my eyes, letting my surroundings fade out of my focus.
I'm sensing my heart is racing a little, I'm cold and kind of shaky, tears in my eyes, my stomach is a little nauseated. I am feeling sad, happy, proud, encouraged, lighter. I am feeling a sense of freedom that I haven't felt in a long time, if ever.
I am thinking that was scary (doing my 5th step...admitting to myself, God and another the exact nature of my wrongs). I know I needed to do all of this work. I think its crazy how I though I could just turn my addiction off.
I am wanting to keep working these steps. I want to be a strong support and success story to share with people who think its impossible. I want to completely be free from the corrections system.
My actions are to keep doing my steps. Keep doing my 12 step meetings with my friends. I am going to use positive talk about myself. I am giving my self permission to love and forgive myself for my wrong doings so I can fully heal , so that I can grow into so much more.
I can never go back to the young woman I was before my drug addiction. Today I can be so much more. I am not my past. I am my future. My future is what I want. what I want is serenity, love, peace and happiness!
I'm thinking now would be a good time to walk the awareness wheel ;-)!
Deep breath, close my eyes, letting my surroundings fade out of my focus.
I'm sensing my heart is racing a little, I'm cold and kind of shaky, tears in my eyes, my stomach is a little nauseated. I am feeling sad, happy, proud, encouraged, lighter. I am feeling a sense of freedom that I haven't felt in a long time, if ever.
I am thinking that was scary (doing my 5th step...admitting to myself, God and another the exact nature of my wrongs). I know I needed to do all of this work. I think its crazy how I though I could just turn my addiction off.
I am wanting to keep working these steps. I want to be a strong support and success story to share with people who think its impossible. I want to completely be free from the corrections system.
My actions are to keep doing my steps. Keep doing my 12 step meetings with my friends. I am going to use positive talk about myself. I am giving my self permission to love and forgive myself for my wrong doings so I can fully heal , so that I can grow into so much more.
I can never go back to the young woman I was before my drug addiction. Today I can be so much more. I am not my past. I am my future. My future is what I want. what I want is serenity, love, peace and happiness!
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