Wanting to be held...

March 1, 2008

I've been struggling the past few days, mentally, emotionally and physically. I've wanted to go home. I've wanted to get a hug. To have my hair played with. Lay on a comfortable bed with tons of pillows. To be held by loving arms. Wanting someone to catch my tears. This place (prison) can be so cold and lonely.

I called home and talked with Anakha. I really needed to cry. I didn't care what others thought. I am not ashamed to feel my feelings. I am human and I am hurting. I am also learning to love "Nichole." Sometimes I don't know what to do about all these feelings. I broke down the other day. Tears pouring. My face broken out. My stomach in so many knots I felt sick. I found out others are going through some or most of those things with me. Crazy how we all are connected.

Everyday I am constantly struggling to stay in "The Present Moment." It's really hard out there, but even in here its a struggle.

Tonight in church the pastor said when we have problems that are out of our control...to put them on a 3X5 card and give it to God. Give it to the Divine. I am always trying to fix everything and everyone, but I can't. So today I am reminded to let go and let God.

Its just helping me to focus on the here and now and not future trip or dwell on my past. The pastor said the only bad part about that list on that 3X5 card is finding the card after you give it to God. Hee hee. ;-)

All love,
Nichole