Coming Home to Myself

My time is changing again, friends are leaving. I find that I'm satisfied with myself for once. I don't need a buddy to do my time with 24X7. I can focus on myself and my recovery. I am not saying that I won't still reach out in my NA groups to recruit/attract new people. I am just saying that for once, I feel comfortable with me. With Nichole. Just as I am.

I find that since starting my 12 steps I find that I don't have as much to hide. I'm less ashamed. I am happier and confidant in positive ways. I am finding the courage to be the woman I'm destined to be.

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey. In person or in the background -- thank you. Love, Nichole

****
I was tired after work today, yet filled with an abundance of energy surging through my body and soul. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, so I asked my friend to go out and run. She said yes, so we went and changed and then met outside a few minutes later.

We started running and my lungs ached but my muscles screamed of enjoyment. Been too long. Not enough. Lap after lap I felt a wave of calmness come over my nervous system. I was filled with a pure, natural adrenaline only clean and sober living brings.

I am thankful today for another day clean and sober, to enjoy life on a real level -- not a false sense of reality.

Just for today.... :-)

Love One Another...

Last night at visiting, Anakha and David came. They had given these ladies their umbrella outside (it was raining and there are no covered structures for visitors waiting to enter the prison). There were 4 ladies trying to huddle under a jacket.

At the visit Anakha said it was their first visit and she said we should get them some hot drinks since they didn't bring any quarters. So we got them a special carmel drink and hot cocoa. We tried to make it a surpirse, but the girl found me on yard today. Crying, she told me thank you so much to me and my family for being so great and thoughtful. I just told her you're welcome and gald we could help out to make her first visit more comfortable ;-).

It felt so good. I cried after she walked away. It made me feel so filled with peace, love and joy and so rewarding. Not to want or expect anything in return.

So thank you for allowing me to be part of feeling and experiencing and creating that.

Pay it forward...

Control ~ 10/4/08

How do you control an existence that is impossible to know the future? Words spoken in conversations can change lives, heal wounds, give forgiveness, give encouragement, love, patience and understanding.

Thoughts of positive things lead to positive actions. Actions sometimes, in fact most times, speak louder than words. Actions of comfort and affection. Love others in a way words don't. In a way the human soul most needs.

Think decisions all the way through, even a small pros and cons mental list is a great thing to do before acting.

Even though you can't control everything in life, you can have a say so in the outcome. You can take steps in building structure to your thoughts, words, and actions. So when life throws those unexpected curve balls at you, just maybe you can keep things "under control."

***
My friend's son ran away. He is 15 years old. She is so sad and scared for him. Every things is out of her control. She can't go to all of his friend's houses, call parents, look at the mall or anything a parent would be doing. She can't, because she is locked up.

Could you please pray for his safety? His name is Andrew and his mom's name is Shana. He also got in some trouble. Pray for them both please!

Always, Nichole

WOW! My 5th Step!

09.29.08

I'm thinking now would be a good time to walk the awareness wheel ;-)!

Deep breath, close my eyes, letting my surroundings fade out of my focus.

I'm sensing my heart is racing a little, I'm cold and kind of shaky, tears in my eyes, my stomach is a little nauseated. I am feeling sad, happy, proud, encouraged, lighter. I am feeling a sense of freedom that I haven't felt in a long time, if ever.

I am thinking that was scary (doing my 5th step...admitting to myself, God and another the exact nature of my wrongs). I know I needed to do all of this work. I think its crazy how I though I could just turn my addiction off.

I am wanting to keep working these steps. I want to be a strong support and success story to share with people who think its impossible. I want to completely be free from the corrections system.

My actions are to keep doing my steps. Keep doing my 12 step meetings with my friends. I am going to use positive talk about myself. I am giving my self permission to love and forgive myself for my wrong doings so I can fully heal , so that I can grow into so much more.

I can never go back to the young woman I was before my drug addiction. Today I can be so much more. I am not my past. I am my future. My future is what I want. what I want is serenity, love, peace and happiness!

Recovery...Inside Out!

Nichole writes this from Coffee Creek Correctional Facility on September 27th.
****
"I am responsible for the day I create for myself." The choice is up to you. It can either be "Good Morning, God!" or "Good God Morning!"

That's an inspiration card I found behind my bed while cleaning. It belonged to a girl named Nicole who has paroled. I put it up on my board. I get up every morning and read it. To me it kind of goes with the AA and NA recovery saying..."Just for today!"

Today I am responsible for making positive and healthy decisions. Just for today its my responsibility to create a positive day. Every day is a new commitment to my future. My future that I want. The future I desire.

Doing my 12 steps is doing so much more for me than I thought was possible. Not only is it giving me healing that is way overdue, it is also rewarding to have positive attention because of my right actions...my actions focused on doing something good. Sure, I have gotten a lot of attention when I've done bad things, but it doesn't feel like this!

The feelings: love, smiles, laughs, confident, warm. People are proud of me and excited for me to continue this work. Patience, understanding, loving, support...gifts from my process.

Thank you to everyone with me on this journey, in this healing process. Remember that we can only keep what we have by giving our knowledge to others!

Love,
Nichole

NOTE: Nichole has completed her 4th step and is in the process of her 5th step!
http://www.12step.org

Lord, Make Me An Instrument

Coffee Creek Correctional Facility

I have been keenly aware this week that bringing love to the dark and constricted places, clears the way for Spirit to use me as a divine vessel...an instrument of love. This journey into love is an act of sacred service...the more available and present I become (the hallow bone)...the more Love can move through me, as me. I am grateful tonight for the experience of Rumi's words..."when you open your loving to God's love, you are helping people you don't even know and have never seen." Amen to that.

Tonight I sat at Coffee Creek Correctional Facility with Nichole. I sat for 30 minutes in the cafeteria with the other visitors before she came in. She had been "walking the yard" and the officers didn't inform her of her visit. As I waited, I watched the children, ranging from age 1 to 15, run to their mothers as they walked through the door into the visiting room. One little red headed girl about 2 years old ran through the tables and chairs laughing, squealing..."Mommy, mommy, mommy!" The older children seemed to be more hesitant...trying to hold in their excitement which is now swirling with their pain...with their sense of betrayal. I can see it in their eyes...big love mixed with big pain. My heart opened and tears welled in my eyes...the agony of love, of addiction, of betrayal, of prison.

Nichole finally arrives. We embrace and share the details of our day. I ask her about Isiah, her son who will be 7 years old in September. She hasn't seen him for 4 years. His paternal grandparents have legal guardianship. Her eyes well up with tears as she begins to connect with her grief. I draw a little dot on a piece of paper..."Nichole, this is all the faith it takes for the mountain to move and it will move, can you have this much faith that there is a way to reconnect with Isiah?" She nods her head. And right there in the middle of a noisy, crowded room...we prayed and set the intention that she and Isiah will see one another this year.

"Nichole, I think you should work the twelve steps around your relationship with Isiah." She nods again. Our foreheads wrinkle as we both try and remember the first three steps...1) Admit I am powerless over XXX situation 2) Believe a power greater knows the way to sanity 3) surrender the situation. We walk through the first three steps together. I ask her to begin the 4th step...a fearless moral inventory around her part of creating the situation. More tears. She tries to keep her eyeliner and mascara from smearing. We laugh a little. Eyes locked on one another. I tell her I am committed to staying awake with her, to do everything that I am guided to do to help her. I know this was part of the reason for her relapse. It was Christmas. She was alone. Without her family, without her son. I can only imagine the heartbreak she numbed with Meth. (By the way, I am not excusing the choice, the behavior...just feeling in with compassion tonight).

I pray for Divine guidance and support. I feel powerless, I know that the Divine can guide us to right action...I surrender my fears and ask for God to guide me in how to best support this young woman and her son.

A woman stops by our table with her son. I recognize them. They were at the table beside us last weekend. Her 9-year old son vomited everywhere. Most people moved, with disdain and disgust on their faces. We stayed. I looked over, looked at her with compassion and love. It's okay, I thought to myself, this is life...sometimes we get messy...sometimes we vomit everywhere...sometimes we can hold it in...hold it together any longer. Tonight she stops and says, "thanks Anakha for last week, you really made it better for me." I am surprised...she must have felt the compassion, the love, the silent support.

That is the power of the Crucible (www.wearethelovers.com ). Yes, I want to be healed into wholeness and yes, I want to be fully available to be an instrument of Love...to embody and express and experience this radical Love and Loving. I want my presence to be alchemical, transformational...to be the medicine and the elixir of Love. That is why I am here...that is what I devote and donate my life and my living to. Everything else has dissolved, faded. Love my primary purpose now.

We end our time together writing about our heart's desires and our wants. I make a list. I notice how I hold some desires and wants as more "lofty" than others...more spiritual. I smile and remember that they are all expressions of love...

One of my wants is to have the Crucible be a place where the seeds of our dreams are planted...individual and collective. I want us to come together and donate this experience and the love we generate in service to others. I want to listen for how we are called to serve together as a community...what will we create together? I want us to remember that this journey into love is serving others, healing the planet. Right here, right now.

Love in action. That is my intention. How can I serve? Show me, guide me, inspire me God!
I am available. Humbled, hollowed...available.
Amen. Love, Anakha

P.S. This is Nichole's writing regarding her heart's desire...
My desire in this life...is to fully love myself through all the things I've done...the wrong doing, the right doing. I desire happiness, to follow my dreams. I desire to turn from my old ways. My decision: to not live as an active drug addict...to be in recovery. This will allow me to desire better things. I desire a life with Isiah, to love him, to help him, to laugh and cry with him. My choice is allowing me to desire this connection, and for it to come true. I am desiring all things possible for me, with the guidance from those around me and especially from God within me. Amen.

Using My Voice

Can I just say that its still hard asking for anything. It's crazy. I find that when I'm asking people who I really care about. People of importance, I find myself having a struggle inside my mind and body. Because my inner child (childhood memories) is scared of innocent rejection...meaning the word no. As a child a simple question such as, "can I have a drink of water?" got a harsh voice of "NO." In a yelling manner. I don't think my mom realized how much the yelling hurt me. I've had a constant struggle with the proper use of my voice and words. How for a long time I voiced my emotions through yelling and mean words. In other times I've fallen silent and let things be done or happen at the expense of my personal well being. Mentally, emotionally, definitely my sexuality, stability.

For the first time right now in this moment at 12:07 a.m. on Monday, July 7th 2008 I am having a real sense of how damaging not using my voice has been. Not speaking up has allowed unwanted things to happen. Wanted to things to go without the satisfaction of being known. And my needs to be neglected for so long, that I've allowed myself to live under false illusions. That I'm all alone, that I'm undeserving.

I am worth more...
I do need...
I do love...
I do want...
I do give...
I do have a voice
I am allowed to use my voice...
I need to use my voice...
I can use it...
I will use my voice...
I am using my voice now...

I am standing up to my fear of rejection. I am learning the word "no" isn't a personal negative attack. It is simply an answer. Just like yes.

Thank you for your love and compassion and understanding Anakha. For listening, for being connected to me. For validating me and what I feel. For loving me in the unconditional way. I am lucky to have you in my life. Write soon please. Love always, Nichole

P.S. Smile, it makes your butt tingle!

Elimination

Looking at the people I choose to be around is a constant process of elimination it seems.

So many are fighting to change from the ways that led them here. Fighting to change for family, friends, their victims, for everyone but not for themselves.

Someone I was hanging out with who seemed to be on the same path as me has totally gone the other way. I see her work the system, manipulate her very self. Making excuses, lying, gossiping, running from positive things we have here, such as church and yoga.

I see the very person I was with last time I was here. The very person I'm not. I'm happy I see things so much clearer. My eyes are open, my heart is open. I don't encourage her deceitful ways. I don't listen to her try, and convince me of what she's trying to sell with empty words with no follow through actions.I speak the truth to myself. And, well, sometimes I tell her about herself, out of love and understanding.

It's not always comfortable to let the process of elimination run its course. Sometimes I think I'm strong enough to stand against them who are not serving themselves first. Then I look around at the physical prison I'm in. A great reminder to stand up for myself and my needs.

Free Write

The following writings were created during a recent visit with Nichole, where we (Gene, David, Anakha, and Nichole) sat down to free write after a lively game of Pictionary and feast of yogurt-covered pretzels, peanuts, and other vending-machine delights . . .

We each started with the line "In my wildest dreams . . ."

Nichole:
In my wildest dreams, I live a life of freedom away from the prison walls I've spent time in. I live in awareness. I make only positive and helping choices. I work on my recovery and I have a home and my son. I am happy and comfortable in my life.

My wildest dreams are a reality in the making, a day-by-day process. My wildest dreams are mine alone. They are attainable, exciting, filled with my heart's desire. With a purpose that serves me and the ones around me. My wildest dreams help me escape from the physical prison I am in. My dreams keep me grounded and fill my soul with the serenity I need.

David:
In my wildest dreams, I am madly in love devoted passion ecstatic ride across the universe, cosmos exploding, creating worlds within worlds, new universes expanding to grow this new consciousness, new awareness, new love. Colors, textures, shapes transform to birth the essence of divine bliss running through my veins, coursing through, pure electric bliss bursting out of my fingers into exploding light, orgasmic juice in the mix of creative inspiration like never before seen love as it melts on god's tongue and swallowing down into the heart of the newborn generation, kicking and screaming with this awakening, this knowing, that all is one and always was, no separation, only the pure union of the two halves becoming whole, uniting, resting into the source that pooled us on the shimmering lake beneath the full moon where we bathed naked in eden's arms, diving deep to the center of the earth, to where it all began, where we came from, where we will return, and where we always were, now, in each moment.

Anakha:
In my wildest dreams, I would never have imagined that I would find you, that you would be here now with me, home here with me, in my heart, in my arms . . .

In my wildest dreams, I never imagined being this happy, this delighted, this comfortable at home in your arms . . .

In my wildest dreams, I never imagined this joy, this beauty, this ecstasy of loving freely, openly, authentically . . . I never knew I would find you . . . I had almost given up . . .

In my wildest dreams there is a flow and an ease and a beauty in my life, where everything unfolds and comes into being with grace and ease . . .

In my wildest dreams, I am happy, relaxed, at home in myself . . . making love each moment, self to self, self to life, self to God.

In my wildest dreams I am at home in myself, at peace with my life, in love with the one who lives inside of this body . . .

In my wildest dreams, I live in the home of myself . . . loving from essence.

I am living my wildest dreams, loving myself, at home in essence.

Gene:
In my wildest dreams, I live until the world I grew up in has faded away. There are no more wars . . . or starvation, or abuse of children . . . or adults. We choose on an unprecedented scale to live as love . . . to care for each other . . . to hold the vision for us each to blossom . . . for us each to be free, to be fulfilled and nurtured, to be held in the embrace of a friend, of a community, to be fed a fuel that does not ________ .

This is the time for us to create the expression, the realization of our wildest dreams . . . personally and collectively . . . to treat them seriously and honor them in our living, in our loving. We are each something's dream. We are an expression of the divine ourselves.

Let us bring forth the next wave of divine expression.

I'm Human...

3.18.2008

Appreciation for "Nichole" is hard sometimes. As I am sitting here in my cell at Coffee Creek. I am in prison. Not my first time but my second. Sometimes I am mad, angry, sad, crying to go home. This place isn't scary for me. In fact a lot of people like having me around. I am funny, I act silly, I am positive, wise...I am young but I know I don't know it all, I am respectful, loyal, very honest, smart. I am a really good person. I make mistakes. Sometime I really mess up. But I am human. I own my mistakes wholly and to the fullest. Remembering that I am not a horrible person because I am here. I just need to use this physical prison to break free from the prison of addiction and crime. To break down the barriers I've placed myself within. I am capable of so much more than I can imagine. I will succeed in life. I will get my education, own my salon. I will work my recovery. I will be a great daughter, mother, sister, friend, wife. I am growing inside to its fullest. I am ready to embrace love to its fullest.

Thank you to everyone in my life...Anakha, Timmy, Gene, David, Crystal, Jimmy, Pam, Bill and Keanau and to those I don't know...but I can feel the love and support. Thank you. I love you.

Nichole

Pause...3-5 Minutes is All it Takes!

For most people in this world...we worry about a million things a day. Places to go, people to see, things to do. Life is a constant exercise. But stop. Stop thinking for let's say 3-5 minutes about where you are going and when you will leave. Stop and breathe. Be in the present. For me. I got all the time in the world right now. In fact, I have nothing but time. And still I find it's hard to take a break for 3-5 minutes to get centered. But really, 3-5 minutes isn't that long...and it's long enough to get you regrounded.

Just a nugget of wisdom for the day ;-).

Love, Nichole

Facing My Fears

3.15.2008

I've spent some years now running away from my fears. Sitting here alone in a cell, I am asking myself...what is it I fear? What am I running from? Is it being scared of my addiction to meth? No, wait, what came before the meth? Sacred of the "good life?" No before that...failure? No before that...confusion, lost in my own mind, wondering, questioning...wanting to dwell on my mistakes and decisions of my past that led me to be sitting in this cell asking myself...what do I fear?

I fear my recovery, my life, the unknown, success, freedom, choice, decision.

A quote I read by Hyemeyohsts Storm said, "One has to face fear or forever run from it."
Reading that today was a powerful experience for me. Telling me I need to face my fears...Okay, so I know that. But the second part..."or forever run from it." I am not willing to do that anymore. I am choosing today to face my fears.

I'll end with another quote by Wing Yang Ming...

"To know and yet not do, is in fact not to know."

What is your excuse? What do you know? What do you fear? What do you need to face?

Love,
Nichole

Letter to David

Nicole sent me this letter a couple of weeks ago. It shows a lot of what she's learning and experiencing, so I thought I'd post it here.

David,

Hello. How is your day going? Nothing but great I hope. As for me, I'm doing good. I'm feeling good about myself today. I just got done telling Anakha how I'm so energetic lately, I'm bouncing off the walls :)

Thank you so much for sharing your blogs with me. It's helped me in so many ways. Your blog titled "Love and Forgiveness": thank you for speaking kind, loving words about me. As I've told you, receiving the better/positive things are also hard for myself, especially when we've made poor choices.

I related to the forgiveness of parents. So much, almost everything you wrote I could find myself. I've even used some as a journaling guide. Oh, and I loved the one "Ask for what you need." I did a journal entry on that. Asking is a new thing for me.

I'm learning to trust, day after day. To trust. I do the same. "Immediately, I begin to question it: ask who? What? When? Where? How?" I'm happy to know I'm not the only one that does that and is learning to trust.

I look forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing, loving, and supporting me through this, David.

Love always,
Nicole

Wanting to be held...

March 1, 2008

I've been struggling the past few days, mentally, emotionally and physically. I've wanted to go home. I've wanted to get a hug. To have my hair played with. Lay on a comfortable bed with tons of pillows. To be held by loving arms. Wanting someone to catch my tears. This place (prison) can be so cold and lonely.

I called home and talked with Anakha. I really needed to cry. I didn't care what others thought. I am not ashamed to feel my feelings. I am human and I am hurting. I am also learning to love "Nichole." Sometimes I don't know what to do about all these feelings. I broke down the other day. Tears pouring. My face broken out. My stomach in so many knots I felt sick. I found out others are going through some or most of those things with me. Crazy how we all are connected.

Everyday I am constantly struggling to stay in "The Present Moment." It's really hard out there, but even in here its a struggle.

Tonight in church the pastor said when we have problems that are out of our control...to put them on a 3X5 card and give it to God. Give it to the Divine. I am always trying to fix everything and everyone, but I can't. So today I am reminded to let go and let God.

Its just helping me to focus on the here and now and not future trip or dwell on my past. The pastor said the only bad part about that list on that 3X5 card is finding the card after you give it to God. Hee hee. ;-)

All love,
Nichole

Nichole's 24th Birthday

Happy Birthday Nichole!
May this 24th year bring you into deep awareness and intimate relationship with your essence, your true Self...with life, with love, with God and community. May the Divine fill you with courage, clarity and confidence as you move forward with purpose and passion. You are loved by your community and we thank you for waking us up!
Onward, inward, upward, outward!
With Love,
The Love Project Community

P.S. It is not too late to send Nichole a card, a book or put money on her account! See directions to the right for information.

Letter to Nichole...

In response to her question, "Anakha, what did you do during your 40 days of silence and solituded...I can barely do 8 minutes...why did you go, what did you do, what happened for you?"

******

Good Morning Nichole…At least it’s morning here…late morning 11:40. I am sitting at the back table with the morning sun shining through the window on my face. It is supposed to be 60 degrees today…it is sunny, blue sky. Of course you are out enjoying this weather as well…thank God! Breath in all of the love that is available through nature…it will help nourish and encourage you…let the sun love you, the air love you, the breeze love you…really feel it coming into your cells giving you courage to face what you need to face, feel what you need to feel, do what you need to do. This Universe adores you and is here to offer you its glorious love…become present to the love inherent in all things. You will become love as you walk this path into love. This is what Jesus is asking us to do in following him into the sacred heart. To awaken the love in our hearts…to remember that we are made in his image and his likeness…we are not who we’ve thought…we have thought we were alone, separate, bad, wrong, mistakes, filled with shame and fear…these are all lies of the mind…we find our beauty in our hearts. Open your heart Nichole…let the pain, the grief, the disappointment spill out…you will withstand it, and you can go through it and find yourself stationed on solid ground. This is what drew me into the silence…the 40 days of intimate communion with God and my true Self. I found myself standing one year ago…March 2007 on the veranda of a beautiful condo in Maui, Hawaii…smoking an American Spirit cigarette looking out at the beauty all around me…and I couldn’t feel…I couldn’t experience and take in the beauty. I felt dead inside. I was aware that something essential…some life force within me had died…or was on life support…barely breathing. My heart had closed….retreated…gone into hiding. I was running on empty…the power of Love was unable to penetrate the walls of hiding and protection I had built up around my heart and my life. I am not even sure how it all happened…one small betrayal of myself, betrayal of others, losing people I loved…my father’s death…working at Coffee Creek…addiction….the truth was my heart had become shielded, guarded, closed and I was dying. It was painful that morning to realize how disconnected from Life and my own radiance I had become. I was in Maui with Gary and the kids…Gary was equally shut down…closed off…how painful to be there with someone I had once loved so much and to see us both cardboard cutouts…playing at the game of life. The kids registered this I am sure. The one beautiful moment I had was when I took the kids out snorkeling…teaching them to snorkel and see the colorful fish in the coral reef. They were mesmerized as was I. I love being underneath the ocean’s surface…this is how I live my life…underneath the surface actions…I live with the fish, like a mermaid…a mystic underneath the sea. I sensed a spark, a thread of my aliveness as I dove down under the sea into the realm of magic…seeing the many colored fish flowing through the warm Hawaiian waters. Flowing in beauty…flowing with the beauty of life…this is what I desired. I was disconnected from the flow and the beauty of Life, of my life, of my own essence. I had purchased a red journal with the sacred heart on it prior to my trip to Hawaii. I hadn’t written one word in it. I pulled it out on the flight home and wrote these words:

March 19, 2007
I am ready God! Bring me the fire of the Holy Spirit – engage my soul, ripen the fruit, use me to serve the sacred awakening. I am coming alive with the heat of the Holy Spirit, opening the mysteries of the Sacred Heart. Love melting into love…mystical marriage…sacred union.

I think that was the beginning of my journey into fully opening my heart…becoming an embodiment, a Divine expression of Love. I wrote this poem a few days later…March 31^st:

Come Holy Spirit
Burning Spirit
Abide in me Now
Abide in me Always
I long to feel your heat in my blood
In my bones
Infuse me with your grace
Know me as your own
I am a spark in your
Rapturous fire
Enkindle my heart
My humanness with your love
Your passion
The Christ Mind
The Christ Heart
The Christ Eyes
Are mine now
And Forever
Maranatha
Maranatha
Amen!

Nichole, this was the beginning of the deepest and truest journey into my own heart that I have taken. It sparked the beginning of a transformation from Fear to Love…it lead me into the 40 days and 40 nights of solitude and silence…a deep discovery of my own beauty, radiance and goodness. Before then I may have appeared free…but I was locked away in a prison as well. No freedom. Sure, I could go places and do things…but that, as you know, is not the essence of freedom…what we are all longing for is an experience of Soul Liberation…aliveness, radiance, presence and love. This is what led me to take time apart, to listen, heal and open. This is what you are being offered now too. To slow your pace…to slow your rhythm…to listen and let be…to slow way down and begin moving at the pace of guidance…the pace of nature…this is the place where you can practice “ahimsa” the Aramaic word for nonviolence…nonviolence, deep love and compassion for yourself and for others. This was the word that Yeshua (Jesus) gave me the first day of my retreat…Yeshua said to me…”if you want to open your heart, to become love…you must slow your pace, move at the pace of nature, move eat the pace of the heart…and practice ahimsa…radical love and self-acceptance. Every time your mind wants to attack yourself or others, repeat and chant ahimsa and return to the truth that you are a Beloved Child of God and that all is well in Life…all is well in this moment.”

I will tell you my story Nichole…through these letters and this will become my book. Thank you for asking me what I did during those 40 days…why I took this time apart…and what occurred…in answering your question I will relive, remember and offer my experience as a gift to the world.

See Beloved Dear One…how you are ministering to me? How with your question you are helping me to remember my purpose and why it is important that I write about my journey into love, that I share the teachings and mysteries that were given to me in that time. So often I think that what I have received and conceived of is unimportant….please help me Nichole to remember that what I am and who I am are valuable…just like I help you to remember that what you are and who you are valuable. We are essential in so many ways…each of us a thread in this beautiful Divine tapestry of love and creativity.

Happy Birthday…I celebrate the day of your birth…the birth of this young mystical woman that has taken a crash course in awakening to the realms of embodied love…you are making the journey into wholeness and reclaiming the truth of your birthright…that you are a child of the living God…whole, complete, worthy and beautiful. You are here on purpose…you belong…you are wanted. You belong with me…you belong in my heart…you will always have a home there.

Happy Birthday Nichole…you are so very much loved, adored and cherished by so many…but today especially, you are loved by me!

XXOXOXOXOXOXOXO,

Anakha

Letter to Anakha

Anakha,Last night I received a big envelope from Gene. It had his blog along with yours and the comments from Gene, David and Delayne. I sat down on my bunk, took a deep breath and before the words were even read, a tear fell from my eye. I didn't wipe it though, I just let it be a part of me in the moment. I sat there a moment later with my eyes closed taking another deep breath. I exhaled and opened my eyes. I read Gene's first. The re-cap of my "judgment day," sentencing day. Was hard to read, but good also. I need to know my part in this world. What memories I am leaving, what my presence in other's lives is effecting, building, giving, taking receiving.When I got to yours I stopped and breathed in and out. As I started reading I could hear your voice, see your face...wishing I could. I felt so many different emotions from your words. Love, forgiveness, hope, dreams and awakenings jumped out at me. I was being told in a sense..."wake up Nichole, I am right here, I am not going anywhere, don't run from me, I will always love you."Anakha thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me. I know I am not alone in this. I still wish I was physically there. Rewinding back a few months would be great. Sometimes it feels like a movie. Have you ever seen the movie "Click" it has Adam Sandler in it. It's really funny. You should rent it. In the movie he can stop, pause, rewind, fast forward. Some features could be good right now...LOL.I am going to write about what I need, want in regards to our contract...but I don't know how you want it so will start with this:I need to be called on my bullshit.StructureHugsHumorA shoulder to cry onEncouragedSometimes a good shove when I am shying away from a good timeYoga and runningI need to get a degreeHelp with the following through with IsaiahTo know how you think, feel, about potentially bad decisions or situations you feel me slipping intoLots of adviceI probably have more...so I hope we can start with that. See how it comes together.I am sending you the canteen order sheets so you know what that looks like. There are two of them. I wish you could see the shoes. They are really cute...pink, black and white Reeboks. How great is that. You know me and my pink! I am missing that and chai tea from Starbucks. I can't have a chai tea until I get to minimum. One year. Wow. Guess what you don't get paid for 4 months over here on medium. That is crazy to me. Do you think I should take vitamins. They are on canteen. Crystal knows about them and what is good. What do you think about me learning a second language, like Spanish. Been thinking about that too. I am really excited about doing something to earn a degree in here. I keep having vivid dreams about all this stuff. Well I am going to work on my blog. It is amazing to know my story has a voice. Love always, Nichole

Change . . . Turn it Up!

Change - something I've never handled very well. Good or bad. Right or wrong. Always just wanted to leave things where they are. I like to stay put. Mentally, physically, emotionally. For the most part. Being familiar is all good to me. Up until . . . NOW!

Being lost in my addiction, I'm known to run around looking for a family to call my own. Acceptance, love, understanding, openness. My birth mom's been in addiction her whole life -- minus about 9 1/2 years. Well . . . this time when I relapsed it was after finding my mom's stuff. I wasn't strong enough to walk away from the pain from finding it. Knowing the meth would numb me from feeling (also knowing it's temporary). It only took once to feel the pain, guilt, shame, lonely, sadness, scared to take a stand for Nichole. Ask for what I needed.

Through a series of bad decisions in just a matter of weeks, my mom and I were using meth together. We've had a struggling relationship my whole life. For once we had a connection where we could talk, laugh. Any connection seemed like a good one. So like I said, I'm known to run around looking for my own family. This time I ran with mine. Harder and faster I ran from all the good I had in my life. Seconds from running from the people using with me that had seen and or met me before I relapsed. That were telling me, begging me to stop and go home. Lost, scared, worried, the pain of knowing I've lied, betrayed, ran from "the good life," that I gave up on myself again. I found myself running to prison AGAIN!

I got a card from Anakha last week. Inside she wrote " . . . You matter and what you choose moment to moment matters and impacts all of us . .. Crystal, David, Gene, Tim, Isaiah, your sister . . ." Believing and knowing I matter is only part of what I'm working on. I'm truly amazed at the impact my decisions have made on everyone. Even those I don't know. On a daily basis, I have to remind myself not to dwell on what I could have done different. But to stay Present in the Present Moment. Sometimes, I don't want to. Looking around, seeing all our clothes with a bright orange "inmate" stamp on our clothes, watching the girls go straight to miminum with their 13-month sentences. I have to remember I'm healing, changing, and breathing. Just stopping.

Now's the time to choose Nichole, to choose a new life, to choose change, to be demanding of your needs being met. My boyfriend Tim told me in a letter while I was awaiting to get sentenced, "spark up some of that fire I got in me."

We all have a fire in us. When are we going to turn it up?

Naked Awareness

15 Days! That's all the time I've been here at Coffee Creek. Everything seems to follow numbers some how. How many months you have in? How many months you have left? Not to mention counting weeks, days, hours, minutes. We are all assigned a number. Mine is 8 digits long. Just a little observation as my celly and I are waiting to be counted. ;-) Again with numbers.

Last night I got some mail from Gene that had blogs from Anakha and him. Comments from Anakha's blog also. Their blogs spoke about my sentencing day and so much more.

The WICS program I got to be a part of last year...Anakha as the facilitator...taught us "the awareness wheel." At the time I didin't want to do it, but for some reason it was in my dreams last night. So I thought I'd give it a shot this morning.

I am SENSING...slight headache, tired eyes, hot, hungry. I am FEELING...tired, calm, sad, happy, loved, a little anger, pain in my heart. Scared of things unknown, excited. I am THINKING...about change in my life, recovery, about courage, about strength, , about my mom, if she's okay and alive, about my sister (her pains mentally and physical pain she inflicts), thinking I wonder if she's mad I am here, same about my little brother, I am loved, I can change, I can be the woman I want to be. I WANT...strength, courage, advice, love, freedom from here, my sobriety, recovery, love, to love my self fully. My ACTIONS...to ask questions, to listen, to accept all the good things offered to me from those who love me, to breath, to stand, to pray to the Divine and give love and understanding. Thank you Anakha for all you are teaching me and continue to teach. Love always, Nichole

First Day on the Second Trip

January 24, 2008

The air is stagnant due to the recycled air. Last night I laid on a thin mattress on the floor. No sheets, no pillow. Just two thin blankets on a cold plastic mattress laid on the cold concrete floor. There were two other women in this holding tank, so I wasn't physically alone...but it sure did feel empty.

The bus ride didn't take long enough. The roads of familiar grounds fell into the distance behind me way too fast. I kept trying to capture my SE Portland I love oh so much. We were driving past the Mall 205 exit when I think it really hit. I caught a quick sight of Taco Bell and had to think about how I had been trying to get there all day on the last day I was out (free).

Although this is my second trip to Coffee Creek it is still unfamiliar to me and I am grateful for it. It doesn't excite me or bring smile to my face at a simple thought or memory. Driving past those exits made my heart ache.

A lot of great people (Anakha, Gene and David) have all been telling me how its up to me to change and to work on me. Thank you all for standing by me in this next chapter of my life. Thank you for supporting me.

Love,
Nichole